How to look intelligent

Today has been a bad day. An assignment I handed in on time apparently has been lost, and it is not on the LMS. Honestly I couldn't really give a fuck. It's just a minor inconvenience, and as I said yesterday marks at uni don't really matter anyway. Education is not about the results you get, its about what you learn along the way. I think the main thing I have learn from my “brilliant” university career so far is: that being intelligent isn't about how smart you are, but rather how intellectual you look. So today I have written about how to make yourself look intelligent even if you have no clue what your on about.

If you don't know what your talking about say something anyway.

If your ever asked a question by anyone always give a response. Don't demonstrate your ignorance by sitting awkwardly not knowing what to say. For example if your tutor asks you what you think of Lenin's ideas on the dictatorship of the proletariat, rather than doing nothing say something like “well, personally found that Lenin's ideas on the dictatorship of the proletariat really illuminated his wider political theories.”

Use big words even if you have no idea what they actually mean.

If you can explain something quickly using simple sentences, don't. A master of this trick is captain hardcore, a budding young “anarcho-capitalist” from my introduction to political ideas tute. Today rather than saying “I couldn't understand what the reading was talking about” he said “ for me the ideas in this weeks reading were completely incoherent, I mean from my sphere of reference Naess' ideas weren't altogether cogent.” A few weeks ago I annoyed captain hardcore by asking him to clarify terms he was using when he said things like “I think Bakunin presents an interesting dichotomy here.”

Turn up late to class without bringing any books.

I have only bought one textbook so far. To be honest I have better things to spend my money on. That doesn't really matter though, you can always show off what an intellectual powerhouse you are by not bringing anything to your tutes. You are so confident in your abilities that you don't even need to bring the reader, or any books to class. You know the shit off by heart. Show off this confidence by turning up late to class, even though the real reason your late is that you can't remember where you have to go.

Look intelligent.

Perception is reality. If you look intelligent people will assume you are. Take a leaf out of captain hardcores book. Where dark clothes, glasses, and have a stupid haircut. Composure is always important, if your bored, and you probably will be, look into the distance as if contemplating the mysteries of the universe.

Always try to get into an “intellectual argument.” Always win.

Any tutorial, or class your in, debate anything anyone says. If someone likes a particular idea, tell them it's shit. If someone doesn't like something, vigorously defend it. However, it's crucial that you always win any argument you get involved in to avoid looking like a fuckwit. Winning an argument is easy, just don't admit your wrong, if worse comes to worst resort to personal attacks. When captain hardcore said “personally I find Lenin's ideas completely ridiculous” my response was “well, your haircut is completely ridiculous.” If someone says “well you could say...” respond “well of course you could say that, but then you'd be wrong, and by the way your a cunt.”

When in doubt just be a pretentious wanker.